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The child must be pampered so that he does not doubt the love of his parents. A woman needs to be complimented — she needs attention. We hear about these two types of «needy» from all information channels. But what about men? Nobody talks about them. They need warmth and affection no less than women and children. Why and how, says psychologist Elena Mkrtychan.
I think that men should be pampered. Not in response to signs of attention, not for good behavior, not on the principle of offsetting «you give me — I give you.» Not from time to time, on holidays. No reason, every day.
It will become a habit, it will become a lifestyle and the basis of relationships in which people do not test each other for strength, but support them with tenderness.
What is pampering? This is:
...go for bread yourself, even if you are tired too;
...get up and go fry meat if you are tired, but he is not, but wants meat;
...repeat to him: “What would I do without you?” often, especially if he fixed the tap after three months of persuasion;
...leave him the biggest piece of cake (children will understand and eat everything else);
...do not criticize and do not lisp;
...remember his preferences and take into account dislikes. And much more.
This is not a service, not a duty, not a public demonstration of humility, not enslavement. This is Love. Such an ordinary, homely, necessary love for everyone.
The main thing is to do it “free of charge, for nothing”: without hopes for reciprocal dedication
Only in this case, men reciprocate.
This means that they:
... go shopping for groceries themselves, without involving you in compiling the list;
...they will say: “Lie down, rest,” and they themselves will vacuum and wash the floor without quarrels;
...on the way home they buy strawberries, which are still expensive, but which you love so much;
...they say: “Okay, take it,” about a sheepskin coat that costs more than you can currently afford;
...make it clear to children that the ripest peach should be left to mom.
И далее…
Speaking of children. If parents spoiled not only children, but also each other, then, having matured, children introduce this system in their families. True, they are still in the minority, but this family tradition must begin with someone. Maybe with you?
Don’t make a sacrifice. She’s hard to digest
When I give this advice to women, I often hear: “Am I not doing enough for him? I cook, I clean, I clean. Everything for him!” So, it’s not all that. If, while doing everything, you constantly think about it, and even remind him, this is not so much a good attitude as a “duty of service” and a sacrifice. Who needs a sacrifice? Nobody. It cannot be accepted.
The shortest path to a dead end is reproaches, from which it is only harder for everyone
Any victim automatically asks either for the instinctive: “Did I ask you?”, Or for: “What were you thinking about when you got married?”. Either way, you end up in a dead end. The more you sacrifice, the more guilt you burden the man with. Even if you are silent, but you think: “I am everything to him, but he, such and such, does not appreciate it.” The shortest way to a dead end is reproaches, which only make it harder.
Spoiled means good
Contrary to popular belief, love cannot be demanding. Although many still think that harshness towards a loved one (child or partner) will teach him not to relax and be ready for anything: «Let’s not indulge so that life does not seem like honey.» And now marriage seems like a battlefield!
In our mentality — the eternal readiness for trouble, for the worst, looming in the background «if there is war tomorrow.» Hence the tension, which develops into stress, anxiety, fears, neurosis, illness … It’s time to at least start coping with this. It’s time to stop being afraid to spoil.
Because there is also the opposite: dependence. A person who is taken care of continues to be pampered by life itself! One who is kind is not bitter or aggressive. He does not suspect an enemy or ill-wisher in everyone he meets, he is kind, open to communication and joy, and he himself knows how to give it. Such a man or child has where to draw love, kindness, good mood. And it is quite natural that he knows how to arrange surprises for friends, support colleagues.
Pampering means expressing love
For some, this is an innate talent — to bring love and celebration into the house, others learned this in childhood — they do not know what is different. But not everyone in the family was spoiled. And if a man is stingy with signs of attention, care, tenderness, then perhaps he was not taught to give them. And that means that a loving woman takes care of this, without falling into lisping and not playing the role of a mother.
To do this, she needs to get rid of the stereotype “if you spoil him, he will sit on his neck” and understand what it means to admire, show interest in his affairs, feelings, take care, respond. Run this care algorithm. And if it doesn’t work out, ask yourself the question: “If not me, then who?” Friends, employees, even relatives are not inclined to indulge the weaknesses of a man.
It is necessary to do this not because he is allegedly a big child, but because we are all adults, and there is not much to worry about who wants to take care of us. And psychologists and partners leading a happy family life have long known that pampering means expressing love.
I am sure that life itself teaches a person to be ready for everything. The ability to pull yourself together at the right moment instead of constantly holding yourself in hand is a separate useful skill. As is the ability to relax.
The language of love is money and gifts
When I talk about this to a woman at the reception, it often becomes a revelation for her. It turns out she doesn’t know where to start. And I say: give gifts! Spend money! Let’s not pretend that money does not play a role in your relationship. Even if they don’t play, it’s still. And then they will play, and it’s not a shame. But only if you are interested in money not in itself, but as a means to please your loved one.
Children and women do not doubt love when no money is spared on them. Men too. Only not in the case when money is trying to fill the void in a relationship and expensive toys and small souvenirs are presented instead of love. No, not like that, but as a reminder: I am here, I always remember, I love you …
So that couple is happy in which gifts are made regularly and easily, or for such a good reason as «I wanted to please you.» If you have been pampering your partner all year, then on the eve of a holiday, whether it’s a birthday or Defender of the Fatherland Day, you can not strain, do not run for an obligatory present like a new toilet water. He will understand.