Содержание:
“I was at the same time furious that he was entitled to all this love coming from her, when he so easily abandoned us”
Yes, you have a daddy, I always repeated to Sophie when she asked me the question. She has the name we chose together, him and me, the night I found out I was pregnant. We even had a drink, à la Badoit. And frankly, I thought Patrice was happy. When he left me, two months later, I didn’t understand a thing. I was four months pregnant. He apologized, but he left. Too much pressure, not ready to be a father, sorry for asking so much! Because it is he who insisted that we hurry, in order to have plenty of children as he said… He nevertheless offered to declare our child when he was born, and I refused. I wanted Patrice out of my life and I was afraid my pain would damage the baby I was expecting. I told myself that if I broke all ties for good, I would be able to get out of it. The world of course fell apart, but I had five months to rebuild it. I moved and decided this baby was the chance of my life. I decided it, a bit like taking a good resolution, and this idea has been with me over and over again: when I went to the ultrasounds, when I went to give birth. I have lived entirely with and for my daughter.
Since she was 2 and a half years old, Sophie has been asking for her daddy on a regular basis. At school, the others have one. I don’t feel that she is sad, but in search of her story and a truth. I tell it to him in my own way, voluntarily forgetting part of it. I tell him that his father loved me, that I loved him, and that we agreed to have a baby. But deep down, did he really love me? I know it is essential to tell a child that he was conceived in love, so I repeat it to him, mechanically. But sometimes I want to say to her so badly, “Look, your dad is a bad guy who got me pregnant, then walked out!” And I am silent. Sophie often wants to see her daddy’s photo, so I show her pictures that horrify me, where I’m usually snuggled up in her arms, a blissful smile across my face! Sophie finds him handsome. “He looks nice, he looks funny, does he smell good?” She asks me. At Christmas, Sophie wanted to send him a gift. How do you tell her he doesn’t want her? I accepted her approach, especially in the idea that she never blames me for preventing her from accessing her daddy. I looked for his address. I found the one in his new office. And Sophie wrote the envelope herself. She slipped in a drawing and a small bracelet. I was very anxious at the idea that Patrice thought that this sending was my initiative, and that I had in the idea of coaxing him or attracting him towards us. But I told myself that only my daughter mattered and that what he thought did not interest me. A few days later, Sophie received a response. Patrice thanked her and congratulated her on her drawing. He had made one in turn, picturing himself with her drinking fruit juice. “Did you see?” Exclaimed Sophie, daddy drew a straw! Shortly after, I received an email from Patrice. He asked my permission to meet Sophie. We had a few exchanges. I wanted to tell her that if I accepted, it would only be for her. Then, when I was done with my pettiness, I just accepted. Patrice is with a woman. They live together. Things are definitely not going in my favor. I would have preferred to know him alone and repentant.
“I know, however, that I was right to accept”
I wanted the meeting between Sophie and her father to take place in a garden. I dropped my daughter there. And I went out to wait for him in the car. I left them both. From the car, I saw my little Sophie laughing out loud as she climbed up to the sky, while Patrice, behind, pushed his swing. I burst into tears, defeated by a weird pressure. At the same time, I was furious that he was entitled to all this love coming from her, when he so easily abandoned us. I know, however, that I was right to accept. After an hour, as agreed, I returned to pick her up. I was afraid that she would try to bring us closer, or that she would be reluctant to leave, but no, she hugged me and said goodbye to her father without a problem. When he said “See you soon”, she said the same to him. In the car, I asked him what it was like. “Great”, Sophie replied, he knows how to touch her nose with his tongue!
In the evening, I received an email from Patrice explaining to me that he was ready to see her again, if I agreed. He apologized for letting me down. I warned him that I would never give him any rights other than having a date with her, and he told me he understood. Sophie sends him drawings. He calls her from time to time. He looks for his place and she gives it to him. Things are pretty straightforward between them at the moment. We make appointments, in the garden when the weather is nice, or at my place, and in that case, I go out. Luckily, Patrice behaves correctly with me. He’s not really comfortable, but neither is he bad enough to intoxicate the mood. I don’t want to give my daughter the illusion of this little family that could make her dream. “Daddy” visits him every now and then, that’s all. She is so proud to say mom and dad. I hear her talking about him to his school friends. “My daddy is grown up!” She told my parents. They think like me, but they close it! I want her dad to be great for her. Yesterday, Sophie asked me if she could go to his place. I did not answer frankly, but I know full well that I will end up saying yes. The presence of this other woman is complicated for me. But I want my daughter to have the right to her daddy. The day she wants to sleep there, I will have a lot of trouble putting up with it, but no doubt I will accept it too. And then, if my daughter sleeps elsewhere from time to time, maybe I too will succeed in finding love again …